2003-03-02

I guess I should finish with all the reunion stuff - I went, it was weird, the usual suspects were dickheads, some guy ended the night by giving us the browneye from the dance floor, and I felt relieved to be done with it all at last.

Best turn-up of the night was Mark W, formerly a 200kg mess of insecurities, now a slim 60kg very out of the closet caterer who has retained his warmth and sense of humour and who was delighted at the huuuuuuuuge amounts of attention he received on the night. I applaud his self determination at losing the weight and dealing with his issues - good onya honey.

Came back to Melbourne via Brisvegas which was a complete and utter nightmare as A. was a selfish shit the whole time, chucking a hissy fit in the middle of Queen St mall and just being unpleasant all day. Then on the plane home next day he decided to have a go at me (because he is fucked in the head) and I cried and stared out the window and started planning in my head how I would be able to move things out as soon as we got home, and maybe go live with Claire for a while.

He saw I wasn't joking this time. He made out like it had all been a big mistake. He swore black and blue that he loved me and didn't want to hurt me. He played his "oh, is that what you were thinking? that's not what i meant!" game. And I got suckered and came home and didn't speak to him but didn't move out again either.

So we've been back for three weeks, and I have been so fucking depressed and shitty but hiding it really well and then yesterday something happened on a shopping trip with the Sofmeister and I told him about it and instead of sympathy I got a "You're so crap and you don't even know it" speech. So today i am looking for flats on the internet. I think I have done my dash. I am not attratced to him anymore, he makes me feel like crap and I am sick of all this bullshit. And I am NOT a crap person person - he just makes me feel that way about myself.

Goodbye wedding, goodbye all of those lovely domestic dreams, goodbye to having kids and a family and stuff. Unless I let him talk me out of it, which is such a possibility because even though I might present as a strong person i am actually the biggest pussy in the world and very easily pushed around.

sad. sad. sad. stupid girl. deserve better, even for a stupid girl.

bitch - moan