2003-03-23

Rain rain... here comes the rain again

Went to see 'Daredevil' last night and despite my scepticism at Ben Affleck being able to go from goofball to troubled hero I was pleasantly suprised to find it a good watch. Got all inspired by Elektra, and have resolved to take up aikido training again (finances pending on going to actual classes). And Ben really is quite hot, in a preppy kind of way. The disarming little mole is wonderfully distracting from an otherwise regularly featured aspect. Ahhh, another oblique male to feature in my nightly vision quests.

Speaking of dreams, have had some absolute doozies lately. Last night was one about me babysitting J's three boys and then chatting with his wife - guilty conscience? Everything was quite amiable, so maybe I was trying to soothe my own troubled unconscious. and for some reason I woke feeling refreshed and looking forward to a new day. Hell, I even managed to fit in a yoga session before brekkie.

Previous to that I have been having war dreams, flying dreams, and yet another in the long line of supermarket dreams. I have been having supermarket dreams since 2nd year uni (10 years ago - wow). My ex-shrink explained them away as dreams sorting out all of the things in my life and making choices, trying to make the right decisions. But they are not always about shopping. Sometimes I meet people that i need to talk things through with, and we chat and I wake up feeling as if I really have resolved something. Which really is weird, cause when I am at the supermarket in non-dreaming life I don't like to stop and chat, preferring instead to collect the groceries and get the fuck out of Dodge. Screaming children and nannas with coupons don't cut it in the entertainment stakes for me.

Been a while since my last erotic dream, although the J dream had an overbearing sexual element to it, mainly because that's what I primarily associate him with. I remember toying with the idea of a threesome as I chatted with his wife, and then one of their kids came up and interrupted us, natch. Huh. My psychology is soooo simple sometimes.

Am starting to reclaim the naughty Jujitsu, clicking around in little heels, wearing saucy coloured lipstick, bothering to do more with my hair than twist it up into a knot. I feel it necessary to re-visit that part of me that giggles appropriately, batters eyelids and waits to be seated. Perhaps this has been brought on by the fiance (yes, he's back) starting to date me again. Oh, there has been a fabulous round of dinners, movies, picnics and jaunts about town in honour of reclaiming my affections. And yes, it seems I can be bought. By affection and attention. My heart is easily won by showing it a good time, having easy conversation, rejoicing in childish things. The mind stays always a little bit wary, but the old blood-pumper is decidedly better humoured after receiving some care and pampering.

I said when i met him that this would be the man that I would marry. In the back of my head a little voice said "And he'll probably be the first one you'll divorce", but I don't think I have to repeat my mother's mistakes just to prove myself right in my assumption that nuture defines the way we make relationships go as adults. If we do marry it won't be in the sight of some antiquated, querrelous Christian God. It will be in the sight of our own judgement, and when you make a choice it doesn't necessarily end a situation. Our relationship is an ongoing dialogue (something I forget more often than not) and when the conversation ends so does the relationship. For the moment we are speaking and he is working hard to rebuild a sense of trust, and to get me interested again. I appreciate his efforts. Of course I am trying to justify to myself why we should be together again, because I don't want to give up on us, on our history, on our shared experience. We still have more to explore together. So I'm giving it another go.

Doesn't mean I won't bitch about him first time he forgets to send a little affection this way in a time of need.

I will certainly say one thing for my little geisha heart - taking care of it is the best way for a fella to get into my knickers. Hooray for boobies, and let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel! Gettin' some, and lovin' it.

bitch - moan