2003-11-05

Well it is the eleventh hour and I am resigned to becoming an old married woman. One of a couple. A 'mrs'.

Sitting on the back step this morning, pre work and enjoying a luxurious post-brekkie ciggie, I contemplated the enormity, stupidity and the actual smallness of what i am about to do. I was taking this whole marriage thing a bit lightly, and considering that my parents have each been married three times (let's not even start on the multiple marriages of my grandparents), I guess I was kinda counting on divorce as an option to get out of it if it was all just a bit too hard.

But now its different... I don't want to be just like my parents (lonely, fucked up, insecure about relationships). I want to be married for the right reasons. I want to be bothered by him when I am old and grey. I want to be moved by him, to never be complacent. I want him around. And after nearly ten years together (on and off) that's a pretty big thing to say. The only reason for me to leave is when he takes me for granted. And I don't see that happening any time soon.

So I'm still a little trepidatious about the whole thing, family brouhahas waiting in the wings to gazump my 'big day', and yet I feel the most settled that i have been in a long time.

Ah, now the decisions arise - house in the burbs? coupla kids and a dog? or slicing my wrists at 45 cause i've made a huge mistake and can't cope?

we'll see.

bitch - moan