2004-01-10

Ok so my head is spinning after a big week at work where I decided I am going to go to Spain this year, I reset an entire computer network (using a lot of 'For Dummies' books), managed to control my temper after being asked the same dumb question for the fifth time in half an hour, and had an all out brawl with the husband at our local Pharmacy which totally freaked out the lovely pharmacist Rosemary. Oh and I saw a Margaret Cho video last night that made me piss my pants and laugh harder than i have done in about two years.

I am wrecked.

Slept ten hours last night, had some weird dreams and woke up wondering why I don't have better hair cause that would be the thing that gave me my big break. Yeah.... right. Who knows what subconcious malarky was going on in the farter, but it shook me up good, and now I find myself still in my dressing gown in the middle of the day. yes, I do own a dressing gown. Sure it was made to be a coat for the Guinan character that I was playing at a Star Trek mystery party, but it turned into a bloody fantastic orange and purple dressing gown. I always feel kind of cool wearing it, although i am sure I look more freaky geek than cool.

You see? That's the kind of small talk my brian has been dishing out to me overnight, self realisations or criticisms that come from fucking nowhere. Who gives a fuck what my nighttime (or in this case mid afternoon) home attire is? Apparently me.

was going to go and have a movie fest today but think it would be stretching the friendship with my brain to have to process some character's dilemma before dealing with my own scrambled thoughts first. So instead I think I'll go and be a domestic goddess and wash curtains or something mindless and huge, in order to break the think spin and to end the self-recrimination cycle that is pervading my brain wash.

That being said i am feeling a little more together now after forcing self to sit at keyboard and clack out randow writespew - ah catharsis. Something I am not encouraged to do in regular interactions with other human beings. No-one is. The question "How are you?" is so fucking loaded. The weighted response should always be in the positive, and if it is not we don't deal with it at all. "i'm crappy, actually" is usually followed by "Oh, that's not good" and a chirpy "well, I hope you feel better soon" followed by a scurrying movement in the opposite direction. Not that i am saying we should give a damn about how anyone really is. Cause that would hurt too much, every single day. Maybe we should just not ask the question so we don't have to listen to the answer and we can keep believing that we are the only one in the world with anything like pain.

Phew, there's something brewing here. Why am I getting so het up about this issue? Its bloody Margaret Cho's fault - she made me think while I was laughing last night, and being a bear of very little brain that always causes me some confusion and warrants an outburst once the little grey cells have digested some of the input. Like Number 5 I need more input, but please, for the sake of being PC and living in the naughties let's just keep it all positive and self-affirming, huh?

Perhaps I need more coffee.

bitch - moan