2004-03-19

Oh the haze of half-dreamt thought

Made corporeal by dawn light

blinking my eyes in a sort of disbelief

That the world can still exist after the night

I am rarely on this side of the morning and I admit to the lack of sleep making me somewhat poetical. I feel as if last night were a letting go somehow, and if not a farewell then at least the beginning to an end for a protracted and involved friendship. I cannot know if the ties that lie between us are strong enough to withstand my lack of courage in facing my own personal demons (for they were what i displayed to him last night) and I feel vulnerable, like the bleeding trunk of a gumtree with bark stripped bare.

I am wholly reluctant to end the affair because it does meansaying goodbye to who i was when i was twenty, when we first met. I like to remember being twenty, being so hedonistic and incautious, running down streets at two am proclaiming my right to be alive. I am thirty now, and even though it is but a decade in real time it seems eons in my personal time.

When you put yourself on the line in front of someone, and truly yourself, not the construct you call yourself, it is dangerous and thrilling and inevitably sad. Sad because then things can never return to being what they were, and a spirit of brevity and lightness is lost and forever between you exists this THING called the real self. Neither negative nor positive in actuality, it still is a praxis, a point of change, and the world must spin slightly differently because of it.

Am I giving myself over to my dark side?

Am I trying to hard for things that should just come?

Dad told me to be a make it happen person and I've tried really hard to fulfil that but now I am tired and want someone else to take the reins so i can just be and do.

Sleep will clarify my thinking, sort the wheat from the chaff, and bring me back to consciousness with the knowledge that the world spins differently because of what i said and did.

bitch - moan