2004-09-21

There's a Paul Kelly song called "Little Decisions" which goes something like..

Little decisions/ are the kind I can't make/ Big resolutions/are so easy to take/ I don't want to talk about your little decisions

And that's so how I feel at the moment. I know that i want to eschew a life of drudge behind a desk and follow the dream of music and song, but can I decide what to have for lunch? No. Seems so meaningless somehow. I can't gte past a basic hippie-esque notion that we're not meant to be cramped into dogboxes behind computer screens doing useless paperwork as our life's calling. Isn't the fresh air and sunshine there for a reason?

I guess I am just pissed off because on the best day of spring so far i had to sit in an airless office and try to please people by doing the right printouts for them from their email which is too much and too many for them to read off the screen so they require someone to prioritise their lives for them. I do not make a good PA. In fact I suck at it. Thank god its a temporary position because I really couldn't stay here forever. And the boss I thought was so nice turns out to be a self-centered and self-righteous prick. Hell, how am I supposed to know the difference between important science stuff and little unimportant stuff? The only thing I remember about science was the cute prac teacher we had in year nine who rode a motorcycle to school. He was cute. I wrote a provocative teen lust letter to him and got myself suspended for the trouble. Ha! If only the principal could have known that two years down the track I would be sleeping with my music teacher. By making it verboten he made it irresistable. Sucks to him.

But i digress (as I usually do). The thing is those little decisions - who is more important in heirachy? what time should we make the meeting? who should I call about overhead projectors? Who gives a fuck?

What is the universe trying to tell me? The tram was remarkably uncrowded tonight, i didn't feel like a cow waiting in stocks run to be drenched. The tram driver drove right past my stop and I had to walk three big blocks back to the corner I usually turn down. I had a two hour conversation with an anthropological biologist about humanity's fate this afternoon. I manager to get through to the RACV without being on hold at all, and I managed to re-insure the car over the phone. And it was beautiful walking home, the air clear and full of the promise of spring, with a dusky sunset at my back. I felt like I owned the moment, like i could taste life. What does it all mean? How do i interperet these mixed messages?

I have to go back to the big decisions. Do I want children, really? Do I go back and do my Dip Ed? Do I follow my dream? See, because they take so many things into consideration its so much easier to be wanton and reckless with the big decisions, and there is always an outcome, good or bad. Those fucking little decisions lead nowhere.

I want - I need - I must have

and the biggest decision - I am...?

bitch - moan