2004-11-21

Its one of those days where I feel like I have lost my sense of self. I feel ridiculously alone even though I am surrounded by people, and I am bothered by the thoughts that crowd my mind. The past three weeks have been devastating, losing Mikko, being burgled, my dad having a minor heart attack. I was numb earlier this week but now I feel as if I am being crushed under the weight of a universe that doen't love me but just wants me for my ability to generate energy.
It's not depressed, its weary. The oly thing going flat out is my mind, and that is not making much sense either. I wonder sometimes if I have anything real to contribute to this world, and even if I don't is there anything wrong with that? I keep reminding myself to enjoy the moment, to see the sky and the stars and appreciate all the things i have that make my life rich and full, but it seems so forced, so 'have to be grateful' which defeats the whole idea of being in the moment. Mikko's funeral made me take stock of all that i have, and I AM truly grateful in the larger sense, but minute by minute i am only troubled. Where is my next paycheck coming from? Is my creatvity relevant and of value? Does anything i say have meaning?
I know that this too will pass, that i will find a way to be peaceful, that this is but a short period of recovery where I am fragile and vulnerable. But I have to say i don't like it. I don't like questioning it all. For a curious cat i am strangely reticent about what's around the corner. Because maybe its just more bad stuff. Or maybe its good stuff that i can't appreciate. Playing the what if game is turning me inside out and I have to exert some control over the senseless search for meaning.
Buddha help me overcome this samsara... I seek refuge in the dharma, the sanga and the buddha. Om mani padme hum.

bitch - moan