2005-05-01

I told the CLM that things were over between us on Friday becauseof his failure to commit to being my 'secret boyfriend'. He said "I didn't even know i was your secret boyfriend". I said "Duh. It wouldn't be a secret if you knew". It kinda threw him a little, and quite deliberately so because it was all getting a bit serious for me so I had to put the balance of power back with me and think about it in silly ways only, not like something that actually might go somewhere.

He's off to a fancy B&B with the ladywife this weekend to get a massage and a facial. In the biggest flirt gambit yet I told him he could give me a facial anytime - he went a lovely shade of beetroot. Then he started to try and come back with some other single entendres but was dismal and he should have known you don't mess with a sexually frustrated 30 something with a smart tongue and a bad attitude. I want to see how far we can push things before he either backs right off or goes the pash'n'grope. Just what does it take to make a man, who swears he'll always be faithful, commit adultery?

It's mean, I know. And it hurts me too, to try and supress the 'real feelings' part of the game. Do I have real feeling for the CLM? Only in as far as I have manufactured them for the purposes of flirting. How much am I in control of my hormones and overt displays of wanton sexuality? Well, that depends on who you believe when it comes to how much control we actually do have over our own bodies. I ain't no Zen master, that's for sure. So I'm as much a subject of the game as a participant. Ergo, its not MY fault if he has a pants bulge thinking about blowing his load over my face.

Oh sweet justification!

bitch - moan