2005-05-08

It's been a week of serious thinking, and I don't mean that in a funny way.
The Older Man (aka Sudney Fling Thing) was down on Thursday and we had a wild old night that was full of jazz, and talking, and personal revelations and self realisation. I still feel so full of that night, so changed by what happened between us. We talked about how we had known each other in past lives, how we have challenges to complete in this life, how our connection is eternal and beyond ordinary. I would never have imagined that we would have the conversation we did, and I would never have dreamed that I could feel so directly connected to someone. We have a link that runs between us that is unbreakable. All of the superficialities that we dabble with day to day just fell by the side and we delved deep into the heart of things, and ourselves. It was extraordinary.
I have been staying at Club South Yarra for a few nights in order to get my head around what I am doing with my life, and because waking up to the husband punching a hole in the wall last Monday morning was something that could not be ignored. I can't live like this with him and I very nearly just left for good, but I thought I'd check in with myself by having some time alone first to see what the real issues are.
I need my own space and time. I am a nurturer but I never nurture myself. I do not control my temper because it is the only way I have of letting off steam from the resentment that builds inside me from not having the life I want because I refuse to stand up for myself. I am afraid of being alone and lonely. I want people to love me. I want to feel necessary. I want independence and I want a measure of control, but I'm afraid that those things will separate me from love.
The Older Man and I talked until dawn. We talked through the night. I cried on his shoulder, and felt comforted by his arms folding around me. I allowed myself to be small, and weak and vulnerable in front of him (I'm so stupidly crying as I write this, its so emotionally charged for me). He told me about his wife and how she actually despises him, and how she is not living the life she thought she'd lead, either. I just wanted to lie there with him forever, until a thousand suns had risen, until there was nothing more left in the world to say to each other.

But instead I got up and went back to Club South Yarra and showered and dressed and went to work where I pretended that my life hadn't really changed overnight. And then I finsihed work, bought a lean cuisine and some ice cream, returned once more to CSY and fell asleep watching tele at 8.30pmish.

Saturday morning and I was awake again for the sunrise, and after a difficult 24 hour labour, the birth of my new life.

So now I'm back home with a detoxing husband trying to kick his painkiller addiction, and I don't mind the challenge. I made a promise to the Older Man to choose me for me, for no reason. To live for everything, to hate nothing. To love superficiality as much as the deeper waters of the soul. To see that there are things beyond that cannot be forgotten or denied, and to laugh at those things. It was a promise that binds me into a new marriage, a marriage of myself to love.

bitch - moan