2005-08-09

In a half-way place inside myself due to a lack of consolidation with, umm, everything.
Am still faffing about in academia, both at work and going to school. Am enjoying classes much more now since I instituted the "I really don't care what they think of me" mindset. I couldn't go on self-observing, and it turned out to be unnecessary anyway. I don't need any new friends today.

The little old lady I visit (as part of my personal community development) has had a stroke and is in hospital looking up at the ceiling, her hands wrapped in bandage mittens so that she can't pull her feeding tube out. I prayed for her to die so that she didn't have to live like a vegetable. That's not her. She's a bangup old broad with a lust for life. Whatever she did karmically to force her to now exist in this state must have been pretty bad. I am hoping her body gives up... her mind no longer has an option over what it wants to do. I love her (crazy, isn't it) and to see her suffer is pulling me into bits.

I want someone to kill me if I get alzheimers.

In other news Little Boy Blue was in town recently and some very weird stuff went down all over a spooky Latvian gypsy he met on his last Eastern Euro tour. I won't go into details but it involved soul vampirism and the Russian mafia... nuts. Didn't miss him when he left this time, have hardened my heart somewhat. The love is still there, but it doesn't need showy display anymore. Strangely enough our soul connection is much deeper, and I have had moments when I was sure he was thinking about me, like someone trying to look through a two way mirror to see inside me.

The connection with the husband now seems almost superficial at times, and often I feel as if i am wrangling a child rather than having a relationship. He's a baby - easily confused, selfish, seeking comfort and distance from responsibility. I raised the issue of our finances last night and he chucked a wobbly because I said he was going to have to start pitching in for groceries. I didn't lose the plot, I just perservered until he calme down and we reached a kind of detente. Betcha he won't come up with the goods though, and I'm going to be the one to pull us through the financial shit.

I'm tired of being married.

Am having many thoughts on personal morality, and not coming up with many definites. Wouldn't mind becoming a mum but am worried about bringing kids into the world. Wouldn't mind just running away from a whole bunch of stuff and living in a farm in Andalusia. Wouldn't mind singing my way around the world and being a fab cabaret diva. Life is frustrating me like a homewares magazine - it all looks pretty, and neat and organised but it costs (emotionally, spiritually) more than I can afford.

Well, hello whingetown! Didn't mean for this entry to end up this way but it appears to be frustration o'clock.

In good news I finally got my "tiny Plaid Ninjas" tshirt from Cafepress. V happy! Who's the child now?

bitch - moan